The Commitment

There was no denying that they were in it together.  She thought about what had happened and wondered how it had gotten that far.

The diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia was something that would have to be lived with.  There she was.  The knock at her door was an orderly who matter-of-factly ordered her to the dining room.  Her drugged protests went unheeded as he walked to her bedside and proceeded to help her to her feet.

Three steps was all she took.  The floor was cold against her cheek and she just did not want to move. 

"What the Hell had happened?  How did it get this far?"  Her thoughts wandered as she felt the orderlies lift her to the bed.

"Tode ya i cudn make it." and she slipped back into that world that only drugs brought into existence. 

The stelazine and thorazine were potent by themselves, but together they were unstoppable.  The thoughts were still there, but were mushed together like adding chocolate to a white cake mix.  After a while it was all just one milky brown color and there was no way to separate anything.   

The PG Hospital wing was sterile, but it was still a hospital.  Some of it was coming back.  The day she committed herself was still hazy, but it was slowly coming back.  The drugs must have started wearing off.

Dr. C stopped by her room and reminded her that he did what she had requested.  He put her in the hospital and knocked her out.  That was little consolation when her every move had the room spinning and thoughts that were so close slipped into the oblivion of drug-induced haze.

And the question remained far into the next day.  "What the Hell have I done to myself?"

The Journey Begins

At the ripe old age of 23 she felt trapped and all used up.  She had lost her virginity when she was 18.  To say that she was naive and uneducated in that area was an understatement.  She had only been dating for 2 years and they were kids just like she was.  It had been a different time.  Saying, No." to those boys had been easy.  It was not that easy when a man was intent upon taking what was not being offered.  Afterward, she was simply ashamed and did not know what to do so she did nothing.  Everything had always been her fault, so this must have been her fault, too.  She had learned to live with it and did not even know it had a name and that name was rape.

Keeping her mother's husband away had been easy because he was afraid of being caught and she just remembered to keep her bedroom door locked at night.  Now, this new door had been opened and there was no turning back.

She left home 3 months later because she just knew that everyone could tell that she was different.   She had saved $60.00 and packed a suitcase, took a Greyhound bus to the state Capital and tried to make a life.