Saturday, October 16, 2010

The "Divorce"

Well, it's over.  I do not understand what happened.

Okay!  I was depressed and suffering from anxiety attacks.  But was that any reason to throw me out?  I gave you 17 great years.

I cleaned up your messes, scrubbed toilets, mopped floors, sewed on buttons, killed rats, kept the kitchen clean, listened to your problems, kept your books, listened to everyone else's problems and above all that I worked.  I worked my tail off for you.

So, I was a little hard to get along with the past year.  You throw me out because ... Why?  I never could grasp what I had done that was so wrong.  I answered all your questions to the best of my ability and tried hard to accommodate your needs.  I even tried to anticipate your needs to make sure everything ran smoothly.

I tried to understand (and did sometimes) why you spent money on everything and everyone but me.  I tried to understand why I could never get away from you that you weren't calling me continuously to answer a question.  Even when I cared for my son in the hospital during his surgeries, I always answered my cell phone and tried to take care of things for you.  When I had surgery, you wouldn't even let me recuperate.  You made it clear that there were things that needed to be done and I was the only one that could do them.  You didn't even try to do things on your own.

I even answered legal questions for you.  When I tried to advise you that you needed to get a lawyer to draw up different things, you acted like I had overstepped my position in life.  Like I was some sort of moron.

Well, you know what, you weren't real easy to get along with either!  You were contrary.  You refused to even acknowledge that I was around until it was convenient for you.  When I needed more money, you acted like I had insulted you.  You ridiculed me.  You diminished me in every way possible.  You even told me that I was hard to look at.

Yes, my hair is gray and I have gained some weight, my arthritis is painful and I have eye trouble.  I had baggage when we started out and got more along the way.  You knew I was not perfect when we started this relationship.  But you were always able to tell me what was on your mind when you wanted me to change things and we were always able to work things out.  Generally, after I gave you my opinion, I just bowed down and did what you said you wanted me to do.  I always did it the best I could.

You never told me you were having any problems with me.  Even when that younger woman became involved in our relationship, I tried very hard to understand.  You gave me some flimsy excuse for bringing her in and I really wanted to believe you.  But you became more distant.  You acted like you didn't even want me in the same room with you.  And that abuse got to me.  I'm sorry, but I am human.  It truly bothered me.

Why did you do that to me?  I don't understand what I did wrong.  How did I suddenly become such a terrible person that you had to abuse me and throw me away like I was garbage?  You called me an issue that you didn't want to deal with!  And why did you have to do it on my birthday?  And to finalize the deal, you didn't have enough kahunas to face me?  You had to send me an email without giving me the meeting you promised me?  Are you really that gutless?  Yes I guess you are.  Well, this divorce won't be easy on either of us.   You threw down the gauntlet.  I picked up and accepted your challenge you weasel!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Don't Let the Slime Dwellers Get You Down!

It really is interesting to note that when your enemies think they have beaten you, they are at their most vulnerable.

Ever see that fateful scene in the movie or cop show where the bad guy has beaten, shot and stabbed the good guy?  It usually goes something like this.  Bad guy almost gets beat.  Bad guy pulls knife/gun out of hiding.  Bad guy stabs/shoots good guy.  Bad guy sees what he thinks is lifeless or soon to be lifeless form of good guy and turns to walk away triumphant.

Surprise!!  Good guy is not dead only momentarily winded/knocked out and those fateful words are heard from the good guy.  "You forgot something!" as the good guy shoots/stabs the bad guy with truly deadly aim with the gun/knife left behind by the bad guy.

Don't you just love those scenes?  Me, too!

The thing about it is this.  I was beaten, stabbed and shot (figuratively speaking, of course) but I am not dead.  My mouth works and so do my fingers.  For years (almost 40) I kept my mouth shut about things that have transpired both in my personal life and my professional life.

I kept my mouth shut in my personal life because of fear.  Mostly fear of not being believed.  As much as people say, "If that ever happens to my child, I'd kill/beat the ..."  You get what I mean.  As much as they say that, I have yet to meet any of my family members that actually would stand up for their child.  For some reason, they simply do not want to believe that they are wrong and not a very good judge of character.

I kept my mouth shut in my professional life due to indifference.  What they did with their money was of no interest to me.  My signature was not on the checks and the reports and forms were filled out with their blessing and their names were on the tax returns, not mine.  I really, truly did not care.  I just did the very best job that I could and tried my best to make sure that I was not doing anything illegal or unethical.

So what changed?

Most of my family is dead.  They would probably think it was all fiction anyway.  "She was a child.  She really didn't understand what was happening.  It didn't happen."  And on and on, ad infinitum.

As far as professionally, well, one day a snake came in and wrapped itself around the business and started trying to suck me in.  It couldn't do that so it brought in another slime dweller that crapped all over me.  Then it became my business.  I could no longer stand by and do nothing.  It had already beaten down and gotten rid of some of my friends and co-workers and it appeared that if you did not want to bend over, kneel down, bear your back to the whip, be young and curvy and do as you were told, you were going to be gone.

The ridicule of the handicapped was simply abominable.  While on the surface, they appeared to care it was nothing more than a show.  That love for the employees was based on nothing more than how it would look to the community and their buddies.  That family spirit is a fraud, a facade made of nothing more than balsa wood and school glue.  I might be wrong about the family spirit. It might be exactly what family is all about in these modern times.  You take the old people out.  Throw them away with the garbage when they no longer suit your purpose or get too foul to even look at.  Take the young people and don't train them properly and when they do an unsatisfactory job and you no longer like them, toss them out as well. 

People can do what they want to but when it comes down to the wire, when the rubber meets the road, when all is said and done, what have they really done?  If they are the Christians they profess to be, how can they cheat on their wives, cheat their customers, cheat their employees, cheat the IRS, cheat the State and look in the mirror and tell themselves that they have accomplished something for the Lord?  Giving big donations to churches is of no value if your own family is in the pit.  Where's your testimony?

Maybe I am missing something.  How can a Christian married woman spend hours behind closed doors with a married man and possibly think that she has done nothing wrong in the sight of God?  How does her husband reconcile sending suggestive emails to his female employees and having indiscretions?  How do they think they can get away with these things when others have seen it?

How do they live with themselves?  They live with themselves just fine.  You see, they are above the law!  You didn't know that?  They have the money and the power and they can do what they damn well please!  And no one is going to care.  No one is going to tilt at those windmills. 

Well, sometimes someone will when they have had just enough.  When they are beaten and bloodied and left for dead, sometimes they may just have one good shot left in them.  Don't be too hasty to turn and leave thinking you have won.  The battle isn't over.  The victim isn't brain dead.

That one you left for dead just may be a certifiable lunatic with a lot of good years and bunches of time on his/her hands.  Fancy that.

So, all you corporate bullies, school bullies and butt heads out there, be careful.  Someone out there may just take you on.   They may not even care if they win or lose.  It just might be the battle that is fun.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Paranoia - A Modern Day Fairy Tale

Sometimes when you have the feeling that someone is out to get you, someone really is out to get you.

How do you know when it is real?  How can you tell that the funny feeling in the pit of your stomach is reality and not just the burrito you had for lunch?  How can you tell?

The truth is rarely told before the hidden is exposed to the light.  Sometimes there are funny little things that happen which give you a glimmer of the reality.  Most times though, you are dangling in the wind and wondering if you really have lost your mind.

Those are the times you must pray and rely on the Will of God to be shown to you.  You cannot rely upon your own observations, the faulty advice of friends or those with their own agenda.  Your own observations become flawed by the overwhelming sensations of feelings.  Fear, repressed anger and flat out rage permeate your being until you no longer know when to trust your own instincts.  Be still and wait upon the Lord is the only glimmer of hope in a twisted reality of work and more work.

Depression becomes a way of life and any attempt to work within the framework of a tangible reality is fraught with unknown perils.  Life becomes unpredictable and pitfalls are found with every footstep.  Tripping up becomes a way of life with no hope of change.  And the beat goes on and on and on.  The interminable ring of the phone is in a contest with the flow of people to the door of the office both with endless questions and requests for help, none of which go unanswered.

The depths of despair become endless pits filling up with the morass of the days' technicalities and frustrations overflowing each pit with the stench of Satan.

If you are one who feels stress at not completing each task then you are doomed to a daily dose of extreme stress and anxiety as the continuous flow of the moronic continues through the office.  They afford you no chance at becoming contained and whole again as their every request compounds the weight upon your shoulders until the pulp of your existence becomes like a part of a recipe - "crush the nuts and sprinkle them on top of the cake."  As you begin to feel crushed and scattered, another project is added with the urgency of life and death only to find out later, the project was a ruse to keep you busy while they trained someone to do your job.

It is then that the impromptu meetings acquire a new meaning since you were not invited.  Your failure to attend a meeting was met with indifference because the one who would take over was, in fact, in attendance.

It becomes blatantly apparent that the emergency that arose to cancel a staff meeting was their intent to fire you and you know then that the paranoia is not just a feeling.  It is a reality.  And there you sit, face to face with someone lower than manure and one who is unable to grasp the situation in its entirety.  He fails to realize that if it can happen to you it can happen to him.

The all you gave to a company who no longer cares is irretrievable.  It is gone to the wasteland of the past.  They have thrown you aside with all the care of used toilet paper, thrown down the gauntlet and dared you to do anything about it.  Their inability to cover their own gluteus maximus is apparent as you sit silently waiting for the world to collapse around you leaving nothing for you to hang onto.

The Lord is gracious.  When there is nothing to grab onto, He is there waiting with His hand out.  He is waiting for you to reach out so He can show you the way.  He leads you to the light and shows you the direction you must go. He leads you in the paths of righteousness.  He prepares a table in front of your enemies.  Be sure that vengeance is His and He will repay.  Remember that because He is much better at getting even than you are.

There is no way that you can totally insulate yourself against someone else's desire to destroy you.  You can only do the best job that you can and prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best.  The nefarious deeds of those who either willfully or inadvertently are used by Satan will one day be uncovered and bite them in the least convenient spot.  In their eagerness to destroy you, they will be destroyed by their own lust and greed.   

Keep the faith and do not give up.  Truth is on your side.

Manure a Plenty

There was a chill in the air.  The temperature was 85 degrees but nonetheless there was a chill in the air.

The product was ready for shipment.  They knew it was.  They had just seen the last one built.  The customer Dude Highpockett was a peculiar bird.  Everything had to be just right or the entire order would be canceled.  It was not just that the product had to be okay, it had to be perfect.  There were no alternatives.  There was no second chance.

The Cherry Mill was the about to become the top producer and the Highpockett purchase would put them at the top.  If Highpockett rejected the order, he would ruin them.  He had the power and nothing would prevent him from using it.  He made it quite clear when he spoke with Jackal King.

Jackal King was a minor operator in his family's business.  They had the largest manure sales in the world and Daddy King always thought that his oldest son, Jackal would take over the family business.  When the time was right, Daddy King turned over the operation of the manure sales to Jackal.

It was misplaced trust and although expectations were high, the sales of manure began declining.  There was more manure available than Jackal could sell.  It was soon evident that Jackal was unable to sell manure no matter how badly anyone needed it.  He employed the greatest salesmen and tried earnestly to promote the sales of manure on the internet but to no avail.  It seemed the harder Jackal tried, the worse things got.

Daddy King was on the verge of bankruptcy and decided to deliver the news to Jackal that fateful Monday morning.  It is funny how things work out.  As Jackal was walking through the local electronics store, he saw an acquaintance he had met during the local purebred Goat Show.

Cain was there looking for the latest gadget.  Since the Cherry Mills were doing very well and the sales of dried Cherry Pits had suddenly soared. All was well and money was no object.  There was the latest Artichoke Pit on the market and Cain just had to have it.  It never mattered that he did not need it, he had to have it.  His eyes were always roaming about to see what new gizmo was out there to be acquired.

Jackal and Cain had a happy meeting and Jackal, oblivious to the state of his father's business, told Cain that things could not be better, but he was restless.  He could never be sure that he made it to the lofty heights he had on his own.  He always felt that his father gave him everything and he wanted to see if he could make it on his own.

Jackal and Cain talked until Cain had the idea that Jackal wanted him to have.  Cain begged Jackal to join him in his many companies and show him how to increase sales and do for Cain and Grand Oneson's businesses that he had done for Daddy King's business and a deal was struck.

The decline began almost instantly but each was unaware that the temporary increase was only due to what had been started by Grand Oneson and all the old people who were still within the walls of servitude awaiting their just rewards.

Dude Highpockett was busy examining the product and the lie was about to unfold before him.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Once Upon A Time In ...

In a land far away, there lived a grand landowner.  It was the desire of the Grand One to own and operate the land's best Cherry Mill.  The King of the land granted the wish of the Grand One and bestowed upon him the very best Cherry Mill in all the land.

For a time, the Grand One was able to share his good fortune.  He went about the land and provided services to all the people.  In return for his services they paid him handsomely.  The Grand One's Cherry Mill grew and grew and as it grew he was able to provide jobs for the lowly serfs of the land.

While his Cherry Mill was growing, his family grew and a son was produced that would one grow to become Grand Oneson.  Through the years Grand Oneson followed his father's every step learning everything there was to know about the Cherry Mill business.

As the business grew, the Grand One discovered his wealth would increase if he dried the pits from the Cherry Mill and sold them to the serfs to be used as stuffing for their furniture.  While the serfs could not afford to buy any furniture that was stuffed, they were able to sell the furniture to the LaDiDahs.

The LaDiDahs had much furniture that was stuffed and they also had something that the son of the Grand One desired to have.  They had a daughter.  Her name was Whooptydoo.  There was no one in the land who could compare to her beauty.

Then one day when the time was right Grand Oneson proposed to Whooptydoo LaDiDahs.  There was a feast like never before. Everyone in came before the Grand One to participate in the union of the LaDiDahs and the Grand Ones.

Life continued to be good and the Grand One and Grand Oneson continued to multiply the business.  Wealth beyond what they thought possible was provided to them.

In keeping with the custom of the land Grand Oneson eventually gained total control of the Cherry Mill business, but sadly it was not enough.  His heart became consumed with growing more Cherry Mills and possibly starting a Ferret Mill.  It was a risky proposition but he was willing to take the chance.

Then one day, in the darkness, the Grand One died.  It was a solemn day and all Cherry Mills and Cherry Pit Dryers were shut down.

When production commenced, there was a new product on the production line.  The beginning of the Ferret Mill Production was the beginning of a new era.  Ferrets were used by almost everyone and the drive to make the very best Ferret was strong within the Mills of Grand Oneson.  By this time Grand Oneson's own children had grown to strapping young men.  Hopes were high for his oldest son, Settled, but the desires of the youngest ran deep and Cain was determined to overcome obstacles that had never been.

The years had been kind to Settled and Cain, but Cain was unhappy.

Settled chose a fair maid, married and settled into a happy life of raising a family.

Cain, on the other hand, was filled with churning and desire and knew not what would settle his restless urging.  Cain met a fair maid and chose her to be his wife.  He made her promises and thought that he would keep them.  He strove to love her, but her love for him was not enough.  He railed upon her and caused her great grief.

Nothing satisfied him.  The business just was not good enough.  He looked upon the lowly serfs that worked within his mills and they made his countenance drop.  They were old and wrinkled and he was displeased with what he saw.

He scoured the countryside and went before his young advisers and chose from the best of them.  But it was mighty slim pickings and there were few to choose from.  The best of the best were suffering from diminished capacity from which there was no cure.  There was a plague upon the land and the only ones who remained immune to the plague were the old ones.

It was the dreaded gattahave plague.  It makes the mind wander and see things that exist only as a vapor.  It has the power to make the heart desire that which is not right and desert the wife of your youth.  It makes ignorance seem as though it contains the knowledge of all time and forces the sick one to imagine they have great wisdom.  Yes, the plague had descended upon the land and it had sorely infected Cain and his advisers.

The advisers with all of the wisdom of a silverfish decided to replace all of the old wrinkled workers with new young advisers who performed no work but advised Cain about business affairs.

The great Cherry Mill, the Cherry Mill Driers and the Ferret Mills were all producing at peak strength.  It was during this time that the King upon seeing all that was happening and viewing the plague upon the land that He caused a great curse to come upon the Cherry Mills and caused a weevil to grow and devour the wood.

Without the Cherry Wood, the mills could not run, the pits could not be dried and cash could not be transferred to keep the Ferret Mill running.  Thus began the decline of the Grand One's legacy.

The moral of the story is...  Well, if you cannot determine the moral of this story you may be one of the young advisers.

The Taj MaOffice or Never Let a Decorator Design an Office

Most Interior Decorators do not work in an office and have no idea what actually needs to go on in one.  Unfortunately, just because they can rearrange furniture, pick a color pallet and buy knick-knacks with their customer's money does not mean they know diddly about the function and layout of a well functioning office, much less 12.

Of course, if you are designing executive suites and conference rooms, an Interior Designer might be okay.  You really do not have to have a functioning work environment because there will not be that much work done in those areas anyway unless a clerk or assistant happens to walk in.

To not have proper storage or workspace in an office is abominable.  To use only lateral file cabinets instead of vertical because they are pretty is a waste of space.  Of course if your only interest is in the way the office looks to those people you want to impress, then function can be rapidly dispensed with.  Since you do not want the average employee to have a life anyway, you must not leave any space for their own personalities to shine through.

Take up the spaces with ostentatious bookends that can hold no books.  Make sure that the paintings and prints on the walls are of no interest to anyone and have a high price tag.  Make sure you have end tables irrationally placed about the room with irrelevant lamps that cast little or no light.  You must make sure that the lighting in the office causes eye problems and headaches when the workers try to work with computer monitors.

Purchase huge desks that must be placed in the middle of each office directly over the floor outlets.  To be in keeping with the whole ostentatious theme, you must make certain that the desks have no holes through which you run cables for computer workstations, telephones, calculators, printers or any other equipment that might actually be used by a working employee during the course of the day.

You must also, overload each work area with a variety of artificial plants which provide nothing but a place for dust to come within easy reach of anyone with allergies or asthma.

Do not install any type of ramp for the disabled as it might encourage someone with a physical disability to apply for work.  Do not have a handicapped parking place.  That nasty blue just does not go with anything in the office.  Do not designate specific parking spaces because that might mean you could get more than 3 cars in each parking area.  Designate spaces without telling anyone so the employee who violates the rule can be talked about and vilified without ever knowing why.

Make sure the bathrooms are non-functional for handicapped access.  In the kitchen, locate the microwave behind the door so it is quite inconvenient.  Place large tables that seat only 8 people so when all 25 - 30 people go to lunch, many will have to either go out or eat in their office.  Make the layout as inconvenient as possible so access to all appliances inconveniences at least 3 people.

Put in no storage areas so all paper towels, toilet tissue, etcetera must be stored where no one remembers where they are so orders can be duplicated.

Add 15 or 20 employees and make sure no one knows precisely what they are doing or what their hours are, and ...  Wait! Let us not forget management!  Throw in a few highly educated fellows who have never had to work for a living because mommy and daddy provided for them.  Make sure they have absolutely no people skills and tell no one which one of these brain-trusts they work for.

Now you have a recipe for the perfect office.  Your recipe may be altered to reach the highest level of confusion possible.

Just to make sure things run smoothly have weekly meetings to discuss what is to be done and when.  As soon as the agenda is set, dismiss the meeting and when you walk out the door, throw away the agenda.  It works every time!

Not Becoming A Victim

When I was working in Boston, Massachusetts I saw an ad for a child abuse victims seminar.  Being open to working through my own personal issues I noted the time and planned to attend.

I thought about all the things I wanted to learn from the seminar.  I thought about questions I had regarding dealing with my memories and experiences.

There was a lot of time spent on thinking about what I really would rather forget.  Trying hard to not relive the experiences but deal with the emotion is difficult and doing that for a seminar means that the seminar better be good!

The seminar started at 7:30 pm and finding a parking space was not too difficult.  There was coffee and donuts and cookies and more junk that no one needed. 

There were about 30 people there and it looked like a good mix of people.  It looked like people from all walks of life and ages.  It was readily apparent that there was no real agenda.  After everyone was seated, someone spoke of statistics and how many children were abused every several minutes and how terrible it was to deal with.

Then came the time to mingle.  It was during this time that I figured out what kind of party it truly was.  They blamed their abuse for everything. 

"I can't work because of my abusive ..."

"I can't have a normal relationship because of ..."

"I can't get out of bed because of ..."

"I can't lose weight because of ..."

"I couldn't go to college because of ..."

"I lost my job because of ..."

"I got divorced because of ..."

"I lost my girlfriend because of ..."

"I lost my boyfriend because of ..."

Everything was being blamed on their past experiences and they could not move beyond them.  Maybe it was just their time to vent.  What they said and what they were doing right down to their body language told me that this is what they are.  They are victims.  They allowed their life to be determined by someone they really would like to forget, but they simply could not do it.  Instead their existence centered around evil.  They were drawn into it as though they were caught in a whirlpool and unable to extricate themselves even though help was all around them.

Trying to talk them out of their cesspool was like trying to talk to a 6 foot man drowning in 3 feet of water.   He is flopping and flailing around not realizing that if he simply put his feet down he would be on solid ground.  The reality of what they are doing is not visible to them.  They are unable to stand on their own two feet even though there is solid ground beneath them.

"Bring unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest."  We do not have to carry our burdens forever.  There is One who can release us of the weight of child abuse and any other problems that we carry with us.  We do not have to be victims.  We can rely on the One who was a Victim for us all.

Subject: i like your pic

"Hey! I saw your picture just now you are looking very better and cute now i can send you my pic ..."

Anyone got a clue that no one has seen my pic since I do not post pics?  "Adolfo Rutherford" evidently does not know any pertinent facts about me or anyone else for that matter.  "Adolfo" probably does not even know if I am male or female.

In spite of the fact that I had to remove my mustache this morning, I am female.  There are certain things that I care nothing about and really wish that all that spam would simply disappear.

I do not care how long it is or how long it lasts and do not want to know about medication that affects that mess. 

I do not need to save money on printer cartridges, OEM software or other electronic supplies.

I do not need a timeshare.

I do not need anything enhanced.

Although I do need to lose a little weight, I do not want to know about any medication that has the word trim somehow woven into it.  Nor do I want a constant reminder that I am fat and out of shape.

Nor do I need or want an on-line pharmacy.

I do not want the latest recipe because my oven, stove and all cooking utensils are used by my husband and I am quite happy with that arrangement.

I also do not need my computer working any faster than it already does.  I no longer want to think that quickly anyway.

I like spam filters and delete my spam daily.  I glance at it just in case someone has changed their email address and it is lost in spam.  Other than that I do not open those things.

There must be a lot of people who do open those things or they would not spend so much time and money on that mess. 

As long as we have a firm notion of who we are and what we want and need, we do not need all these extras and some faceless entity telling us we are in need of something extra, something else.

The only thing that we really need is Jesus Christ as our Savior.  He is the only One who can supply all our needs.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Forgiveness vs Filing Charges

Scripture says that you should not judge lest you be judged by the same standard you use to judge.  Scripture says that you should forgive your enemies.  Scripture says that vengeance belongs to the LORD.  He will repay.

I know all that but it is very difficult to follow it when every fiber in my being just wants to get even.   I want to broadcast everything that I know and let the chips fall where they may.  I would like to work as hard to destroy the companies that tried to destroy me.  I want to make them pay.  I want to make them squirm.  I want to see them sweat.

They have tried exceptionally hard to destroy the lives of people who have given them 15, 20, 30 years of their lives thinking they would work there until they retired.  They gave everything they had to those companies and what did they get in return?  They got the boot, the pink slip, the axe; they got terminated, fired and laid off while younger, less experienced workers were hired to take their place.

They think they can do this with impunity because this state has as at will employment.  This means that either the employee or the employer may terminate the employment at any time for no reason at all except in cases where it violates State or Federal law.  It really is not that hard to prove that the employer has violated a Federal law and if anyone feels that this has been done, the best thing you can do is talk to the EEOC.  You do not need a lawyer and you do not have to have any concrete evidence but you do have to have an incident to point to that causes you to think that there may have been discrimination of some sort.

What you do need to do is file that charge as quickly as possible because there is a time limit.

As a Christian you will do much soul searching before embarking on this course especially if the company claims to be a Christian oriented company.

One thing that can cause them problems is forcing people to engage in Bible Studies during or outside of the working hours.  While that is a noble cause, it is antithetical to what it means to lead someone to Christ.  You can bring someone to hear the Gospel, you can even tell them the Gospel, but you cannot force them to listen or force them to come.  That defeats the purpose and besides it is illegal.

I began this with references to forgiveness.  I do not seem to have it within me to forgive an entity or the people behind it who act less like Christians than most heathens I know.  I know it is better to forgive, but right now I just cannot wrap my head around that concept.